4am rants

Sigh. So much going on in my head that it's keeping me up tonight.

Ok fine. It was entirely my fault for downing that huge cup of tea at 1am. Can't help it. It was my daily dose and it feels off not to have my cuppa everyday.

While I toss and turn in bed I thought about so many things. Money matters, as per usual. Relationship shit, can't really avoid them. Momentary feelings of loss, they always pop by. Fear of disappointment, haunting me since young.

They usually don't come together, but I guess when one is psychologically weak, no one can help it.

I wish there was someone to talk to about all these matters. Truth is I really can't think of anyone right now who wouldn't judge me based purely on what's bothering me. And another problem is that we have all been living in a world of lies & deceit, so much so that it's difficult even trying to have honest friendships anymore. Every person is simply stabbing the other person in the back and it goes round in a circle. What gives?

The whole finding true love thing is bothering me even further. Sometimes I wonder if someone up there is deliberately playing a joke on me. Is it just me, or am I not lovable anymore? Am I aiming too high... or should I be? Or, as watching How I Met Your Mother taught me, do I want to be the "Reacher" or the "Settler" in a relationship? Of course I wanna be a reacher, but does that mean I'm going for someone out of my league, and I would have to work much harder to  keep him? But I don't wanna be a settler either, it sucks to be a settler. It's like another way of saying, ah this is the best I can do, I should probably shut up and just appreciate it.

To be honest, I've experienced both and both sucks, equally. I just wish the world would stop putting terms in relationships, so we stop judging them and so we can just be happy that we're happy!

Or... I should really take a break in this. Enjoy being single, see the world on my own. Who cares if other people have clingy partners and have someone to go home to at the end of the day? I don't need that. I just really need to give myself a break. I'm sick of guys. I'm sick of relationships. I'm sick of commitment.

Why can't one person be single, still be happy and never feel lonely?