Resolutions

The simplest resolution I made last year was fulfilled with a big twist to it. Life is more fulfilling & meaningful now as it was before, despite having to be solo through it. It's nice to be living for yourself. This time last year I'll never guess that I will be sitting here in bed, in Putney, spending my Christmas break as an international student now. I'm not much of a good planner who has a view of what the future really holds for me.

I've got friends who even said to me I look much happier and prettier than I was in past years. Apparently I hardly cared much for my looks while in a relationship. In a way people would say if I don't start caring for my looks I'll probably never find another boyfriend wtf. But I'm makeup-free in the above picture; I just compared it to my picture from last year (with makeup) and I thought to myself it must be a joke. Ok vain mode off. I'm puking at my own self-consciousness. 

My aunt made me a member of Thomas Sabo's charm club x) Love it! Don't have the heart to wear it through in case I break it D:

As a 21 year old I'm again writing resolutions for the next year, and this time they're gonna be seen as challenges I have to overcome.

1. Do things that are important and make me happy in the long-term. Short-lived happiness are nothing but a waste of time.

2. Studies should take the first priority above all.

3. Socialize more and balance work & play.

4. Be more mindful when shopping -impulse buys should be controlled easily by now.

5. Settle the one issue that's been bothering me most lately -stick to ONE decision and not let loneliness (bah I hate that dramatic word) change your mind. I've been going through hell trying to look for a simple solution to this problem. It's hard, isn't it, moving on? I actually thought I was a pretty strong person when I realized I could fall in love again within a short time. Some call it weak, but to me it was a brave move. Until things started to go wrong. Over and over again. Even now, things are still going wrong. I mean, I know, even if the new year is coming, life goes on as usual. We shouldn't have to shape our life around special dates or events and say, "Let's not bring this into the new year." as if it matters so much! I've taught myself how to move on before, I surely could do it again this time. Why does it seem even more difficult?

Perhaps because he was the only one I could cry to. For months after my big breakup I kept my feelings to myself and not even share anything with my closest friends. I hardly ever know him but I've broken down in front of him millions of times, over another guy. It was selfish of me, but he was there. I guess somehow, I became dependent again. And today, I find it hard to not look for him. Today, I still feel happy to receive a message from him, I still wait for his call though it's hard to come by anymore. It's the whole heart-brain-war all over again. My heart clings on, my brain wants out. And when something sad happens my brain goes, "I told you so." Over and over and over again.

Ah so much for writing resolutions. Fuck resolutions.